July 20, 2015
on schedules and lists
Dear readers, you have probably noted it all along, over the last weeks I have been falling out of my usual blog schedules, over and over again. And it is not like there is nothing happening around the Fishbowl. Actually, on the contrary. But believe me, the blogposts are only one indicator for my weeks feeling totally out of schedule. Lists, that had been planned out perfectly, will wait on my desk forever and I am having a hard time to tick them off. Even bit by bit. When the week is coming to an end, at least half of it still sits on the paper untouched and needs to be rewritten onto another week's list. And this is going on for at least a month now. Every single week. Bugger that. At the beginning, I must have simply overlooked this lack of consistency, as in too-much-to-do. And in too-much-going-on as well. And it is true, a lot of unexpected stuff came up lately. From not so daily grinds, like the broken washing machine or Emma cutting her paw and catching an ugly infection, so there was an operation needed (*she is much better by the way), to sudden opportunities, stitting there to catch right now and then. Or never. Of course, I have caught them. And though I was doing a lot of things, even worked a good share on painting, the more days did pass, the more I felt totally disconnected from those lists and routines. It frustrated me so much, I've started to disguise my friends, the lists. And was quite tempted to not look at them at all. What sense does it make to write them after all, when by the end of the day, they will stay untouched? Why force myself, when not capable of doing my job? You hear, a kind of bitter taste crawled into my thoughts, as I couldn't understand why things where so unpleasantly upside down. When on the other hand, so much good stuff had happened. Remember the meeting I had been invited to, and which already lead to new invitiations. Actually, something to celebrate more than anything else. Silly me got more and more miserable. And I freaked out a little more, after every day that had went without a preditable routine.
And then came yesterday; a Sunday with so much heavy rain and grey skies, my usually buzzing hood got incedible silent. Thing suddenly got on hold, simply because the weather had stopped everybody in their tracks. Almost nobody passed the studio windows and there was nothing else to do, but to adjust to the silence. And with this came a change, something I hadn't planned or scheduled at all. An unexpected break. A deep breath. The sound of the rain falling down and the incredibly fresh smell of the air, just cleared the later. And my sceptical mind. Without actually doing something, it was all good. Sounds a bit daft, I know, but it was exactly what did happen.
By the moment the sun came back in the afternoon, I was able to let it go. I had a friend over for coffee and cake and at night, the husband and I spent hours in the kitchen, talking about all the ups and downs lately. And how we do feel with them. Life is not like we've predicted it sometimes and the fact, that there had been so much on the plate, doesn't mean I am not able to follow my own rules. Hell no. And it also doesn't mean, that the idea of lists is a crappy one. I still find them incredible helpful and will go on writing and trying to stick to them, because most of the time they'll keep me centered and focused. They help me to visualize and to pursue my goals and ideas, from a rather grounded place than getting lost in the twist and turns of my almost never silent mind.
And here we are, it is Monday and there is a new list waiting to be conquered. I am feeling good and excited to do so.
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