February 08, 2011

"inside or out"

There are many shades and colors while walking through a creative process and even more, while trying hard to work on your ideas and dreams. Once in a while it is simply turmoil. Or actually in this case, the temptest in a teapot. Though nothing had really happened, I kind of started this day on a slightly angry note. The air outside smelled like spring and even a baby blue sky was nothing to cheer me up either. Only opening my email account and finding some ridiculous messages there, started to make me boil inside. I could have screamed, thrown something on the wall or simply shoot the next person crossing my path. A furious and smoking beast. Of course, it is not the first time I have experienced such a moment of disgrace, but the part that worries me most about those days, is the fact that I start acting unfair towards my beloved ones; throwing all my "being unsatisfied" and feeling of "betrayed by life" on them. In order to probably wanting to blame myself, I will blame them. And though I am not at all proud of this, I have to admit, I am good. Good in using those tiny needles of nagging and critizising, until I'll get back what I have started myself. And then I am shocked about the reaction. Simply typing this is hurtful and I have to say, also shameful. I have no idea, why it is sometimes such a big deal to control myself and avoid to overrun my surroundings, when they have done nothing wrong but being around. On the other hand, I guess it is nothing in particular to experience emotions like this and after appologizing, I should rather get over it, concentrate on the beautiful Mangolia branches, a very dear friend brought to me yesterday, and accept, that we are all far from perfect. Maybe this is much more effective and healing, than biting my lips and becoming bitter about my flaws. With this I remember a quote, that finally helped me to kick myself out of the moody corner this morning.

“Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great.” (thank you Wesna!)

4 comments:

  1. It is a cliche but the ones you love the most, you hurt the most. But I think it's quite normal what you discribe, I do it as well. If I get frustrated over something I let it out on the people who are close to me, just because they're nearby I guess. And as well as you I shame myself later on. It is brave of you to write about it, we will all reconize it!

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  2. Thank you, Céline! Your comments are always so supportive. I am not sure if it is brave to write about such things; I feel and it has to get out there. And it kind of helps me to understand.

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  3. Sweet Annton, I get you. And thanks for writing it. And hey, babyskyblue again today ! And your reaction today ? Sweetie, Life has you on the hook, and won´t let go of you until you give up and say: OK, I am yours. I am totally yours.And until then : frustration, fucking anger, massive attacks of self hatred...whatever, we are creative, .........until you find yourself in a place where you stand still and say, I have no idea what the hell life wants from me but whatever it wants from me I am ready for it........, fucking beloved neighbour...love ya.

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  4. "fucking beloved neighbor", if that is not the beginning of something big. love back, honey.

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